By far, too often, I do not appreciate my children and the "simpleness" of this period enough. But it has been good recently and I need to write down the wonderful things that get away from me when things get stressful (and bratty and whiny and lack of sleep-y etc) Shmook is watching a movie and came in to tell me that though she is brave, little kids need adults to be with them when they are scared and a scary scene in the movie was coming up (the pollution monster song in Ferngully) I was happy to go out and snuggle her and clip nails and talk about the fairies and what it means to be "raining light." The other day, she also listed all of the marine animals in a big poster we have hanging on the wall. I am continually impressed by her ability to absorb all the information we pour over her - especially that about animals and the natural world. She retains and understands so much and is so sympathetic to creatures. She has been saying over and over "I love you bigger than the sky" and we compete with "bigger than the universe" and she asks if the universe is bigger than the sky. The whole thought touches my heart. We got her her first Barbie last night after I realized that my hard-core limits on the amount of toys in the house (to trip over and clean up all the time) meant that she had very few age-appropriate and only-for-her toys at all. I want to find that balance between not being too materialistic and swimming in gobs of stuff and making sure that she has a fun childhood with treats and things to build imaginary play with.
Squishy has been sleeping so much better with regular naps and bedtimes. This is a success of monumental proportions. You cannot fathom how necessary regular sleep is until many months of horrendous sleep pass and leave a zombie mother in their wake. He also just stopped breast-feeding which is also a transition that has gone so well. Not only have we crossed that hurdle, but is occurred naturally, gradually and without much fanfare. We have had some precious moments around bedtime through stories, snuggles and songs and I feel much more of a connection that the end of nursing-biting nipple resentment that was happening. I have been such a strong believer in breast feeding and doing so for at least a year and having a really "organic" experience of weaning off. This happened with both children and I feel like I really had the ideal experience of this for a mother. Both for me and my children - in bonding, in health, in cost and ease for life. It all just felt right and without problem and at one with each other.
Whenever I start feeling like a bad mother for feeling bored to tears or irritated or all the crazy feelings that occur when your life revolves around feeding, naptimes and diapers, I (and I'm sure many other mothers) need to stop and take stock of all we are doing right and good. All the ways we do our utmost for our families and children. And ourselves. I have continued working, even if inthe smallest capacity - for my sanity, for my resume and no gaps, for some connection to the non-childrearing world. I have nursed and made good home-cooked meals. I have snuggled and read stories and explained so many things around us. I have set boundaries - to discipline and teach and protect my children and also to set boundaries for myself to have fun times and breaks and child-babble-free listening (in the car.) I try to foster my marriage and my husband and his dreams and my friendships. Women try to do it all and I recognize my faults here: I am far too judgemental of others and their choices, I am impatient and quick to anger, I am selfish and far too neurotic (about cleanliness, order, schedules and my time being wasted by others) but at the same time I do things well: I am generous with hugs, I admit to being wrong and apologize to others, I try to help when I am in position to do so, I look for bridges between people and try to come to understanding (even if this comes after heated debate) I try to see others' point of view, I say "I love you" more than I say angry things, I thank others and show appreciation. I look for the good more that I look for the bad. I have hope and I feel blessed and loved. I love my children. I love my friends. I love my family and I love my husband and myself. I am thankful for my family and friends, for my house and our jobs, for opportunities and for learning. Because I am, just like everyone, learning all the time.
